I know what I feel like when I need to get help. It’s kind of just this sadness that sits on your heart.
It’s a feeling that signals something’s not right.
What has been your journey with mental health?
My journey with mental health, I would describe it as an upward journey towards creating a more positive lifestyle for myself and finding ways in my life that I can have an outlet to do things such as working out, just better coping mechanisms over the years that I’ve developed with the help of seeing different therapists or whether it was online forums and just brainstorming by myself and testing how to get out of these certain moods. My mental health has definitely been centered around academics due to high stress environments like going to a college preparatory school and having very high expectations for myself. I would send myself into these high stress scenarios where I didn’t know how to cope with my emotions at the time which would send me into a downwards spiral. I’d say I’ve improved over the years and now being in college I would say I know how to handle a lot of situations better that in the past would make me anxious and get in moods. I’ve seen a lot of growth over the years and while I may still battle with certain moments where I feel like my emotions are out of control, I can take control of the situation and bring myself back to a more positive mood.
What made you decide to go see a therapist and get help for yourself?
The first time I saw a therapist was in high school and the reason I went was because there’s this idea that if you’re emotional, if you’re in a situation and you’re emotional and need help, go see a therapist so I thought OK, I’ll go do that because they’re right there and accessible, but it was not the best experience. It did turn me off to the whole idea of therapy. That’s when I started to find my own ways to deal with my problems because at the moment I just didn’t see any way anybody would be able to help me other than myself. But then in college I went to the counseling center because they’re accessible and I’m literally paying tuition for it so why not take advantage of what’s available to me and I was just in such a bad place and I wasn’t helping myself enough to get to the point where I wanted to be. I thought they could be better because they work with college students a lot, a lot of us are facing the same problems and it was okay, I wouldn’t say it was the best. I think a big problem is the expectations therapists have for their patients and that made it hard for me to really click with them like I never know what my goal is and they don’t know how to help me and I don’t know how I want them to help me. It just gets a little bit confusing. I can imagine that it’s probably a problem for a lot of people, like knowing what your goal is and how they can help you reach that goal. I feel like they just ask questions and I don’t know what to answer. It’s like I’m coming here and saying that I’m reaching the edge of a cliff and I need you to help pull me back. I don’t know how to get myself back which is why I’m coming to you.
What causes these lows?
I would say my lows always correlate to academics. The most recent one was in college. I don’t think chemistry is that difficult but I wouldn’t pay attention in class and I would skip it all the time since it wasn’t engaging. I think I got a 60 or 70 on one of the tests and I would just beat myself up so much over academics where it’s literally toxic. Like I’m in a toxic relationship with academics. I just kept mentally beating myself up and telling myself I was so stupid like the regular kind of things people talking bad about themselves to say internally and it was to the point where I would have mental breakdowns in the middle of the night and it wasn’t even a low low. I wouldn’t even call that one of my low lows but I was definitely reaching the point and that’s when I ran over to the counseling office to get help cause I was like no this can’t happen. This was also due to other things but I could feel myself slowly being more negative and noticing myself saying negative things to myself in my head is when I know I’m reaching a low point. My aunt passed away in the fall. For some reason it was hitting me more in the spring when I was more stressed.
Why do you think you have high expectations for yourself academically?
I’ve always had high expectations for myself academically to succeed in life. I knew I wanted to be a neurosurgeon since 6th grade. Academics play a huge role in every step of that journey. I want to succeed and need everything to fall in the right place so that I can be the best I can be. I think there’s always a correlation between hard work and academics, like if you didn’t get a good grade on a test, maybe it’s because you didn’t work hard enough.
How has your identity affected your mental health?
I think as a woman it’s hard because you get mood swings and you can’t tell if that’s hormones or your mind is in this mood. You almost feel out of control, like I always feel out of control especially with PMS cause you don’t know what’s what and you’re sad and confused. I’m black and there’s stigma in the black community, I don’t know about the white community, there’s stigma in the asian community too, where is mental health even accepted? I don’t know, maybe nowhere. There’s this idea of like oh, you’re sad? Here’s a band aid. Nobody really wants to address these deeply rooted problems.
I feel like mental health, at least for my generation, I think a lot of us are super progressive and just doing the right thing unlike previous generations. I love seeing on social media how we have a lot of shared experiences, especially with mental health because a lot of the time, we have this feeling that we’re alone, and that our experiences are so unique that no one else could possibly relate to them. It’s nice to see that other people feel the same and it’s not just me thinking I’m crazy or different. I feel like it’s especially true at college, the idea that everybody is OK, and everyone is doing so great and they’re happy when it could just not be true. Personally I don’t know anybody who’s felt the same way I have. I would definitely feel a lot better knowing people feel the same way as me about being at Emory. But I don’t, but I’m sure that there are. Well I guess part of life is struggle.
How do you think you differentiate what is struggle in that sense and when you actually need help or need to do something about it?
I feel like it’s kind of about knowing yourself. I know what I feel like when I need to get help. It’s kind of just this sadness that sits on your heart. It’s a feeling that signals something’s not right. I know what I’m usually like and this is absolutely not it. I’m getting further and further away from my normal, my preferred normal. And that’s generally when you need to make some changes in life anyways.
Have you faced any stigma when opening up about mental health?
With friends, definitely no, but it’s weird when they can’t relate. And I actually thought that more people would be able to relate but I have a friend who just doesn’t get it, she’s never experienced something like this before. I was like okay, I guess nobody else was depressed and tried to go to a therapist. I guess it just wasn’t part of many people’s journey which is great and I love that for them. People I’ve gotten close enough to talk to about it at college and some people relate but one friend just didn’t understand at all. Probably with my family. An incident happened and I thought this was when we were finally going to open up about our emotional issues but nothing. Like one day after, they’d be like oh are you OK? And then the second day they’d just go on with their lives like nothing happened. I feel like our generation is a bit more open in that we complain about our problems and the older generation just doesn’t accept it as much, they kind of just shut down and want everything to be perfect when it’s just not. One of my brother’s friends passed away from cancer and it was a terrible experience for him to lose a friend and I just wonder to this day was it ever truly addressed? Did he ever feel like he had the emotional support? I just feel like to this day he’s just not, like that impacted him so much more than it would have if he had more support.